Monday, June 6, 2011

What KInd of Asshole I have Become?

OMG.. I went through my previous blog
And I found that I was not like this before
The Crason who used to be.. had a really great heart for everything in life
But the Crason has changed so much without his notice either
Why is this happening to me? Where the hell is real Crason?
Could it be the current Crason is actually the Crason?
Or the old Crason is the Crason?
Maybe.. It's just time has changed the old Crason to the new Crason?
Or maybe I have just lost my way in between?
Oh man.. It feels so lost.. What is happening to me?

I am trying so hard to recall who was Crason
I bet I was having faith in love that someone would appear to rescue me
Along the way, I picked up a few bad habits and I started to toss the faith away
:( But I couldn't remember how I did it and what made me stop believing anymore
I used to go to for flight and come back to spend my time with my beloveds
When something happened, I used to note it down, at least ping to my very small brain
Came back and story morry my beloveds
Unfortunately, I don't see myself doing this anymore..
For the last meeting with Elroy and Evon
I was completely out of mind, nothing funny to share about
And I feel so shame of myself.. I always wanted to bring my beloveds only the happiness
Look what have I become?

Ever since I have become a mandarin crew
Roster seems better and I don't have to change duties with others like a mad ass
Steadily bring home with that amount of money and I am really happy for it
I don't need to stop and stare at my cell phone, waiting for crew to text me
Ask me if I am interested with their airbus flight, not anymore
When things get too easy, one self tends to be carried away
I guess I am in this case.. Everything seems too smooth recently for the past few months
And I.. Just don't give a damn to anyone and I have become such an ass hole

Oh.. I better note this down before I forgot
I sorta betrayed Wayne, my only lovely housemate left
Ask me why did I do that pls? To be honest, I don't know
I mean, what am I suppose to say here? I am the one to be blamed, I know
But I really don't know why did I do it.. I don't know..
I could have hided all these but I should thank the only pure heart of me
Tells me that I should tell Wayne about what happened back then
Thus, story has been told and he is helplessly upset, I know..
I could not just apologise and treat things like they have never happened
I somehow could feel Wayne is like 37K feet away from me now
He is not as sweet as last time, not as sticky as previously
And I am just.. Upset but could not repair his broken heart
I am sorry.. once again.. I did not mean to hurt you Wayne..
I did the most unforgivable mistake and I don wish you would give up the friendship that we have
Refer to my title, what kind of asshole I have become.. Exactly :(

Been working for this airlines for 2 years and 7 months plus
The longest job I have ever worked for, it definitely provides something I want
All kind of practices that I have learned, all kind of the so called courtesy
It helps me to be a better person and at the same time, destroying me too
Like I said, I read through my previous blog
I sorta remember I always ignore everyone
Perhaps there was no one impressive enough or I was not interested in anyone of them
But now.. I seem to entertain everyone, even chat nonsense with everyone
This is so out of my league, I was not like that! For god sake..
Since you have been working for coming to 3 years, you are considered no longer a super junior
And I am still receiving compliments from seniors and supervisory crews about my job
This kinda helps with my confidence level
It is good to feel good about yourself but I am over the rainbow right now
I have become an ego ass, hypocrite and someone with fake personality
It feels so bad.. That I have changed so much, to be someone that I have never wished to be

Can I want the Crason I used to be, back into this soulless body?
Someone went to work and came back to home
Someone who ignores everyone and lives a life himself
Someone who comes back from flight, walks all the way to transport area
And his cell phone will never ring at all
The last lonely moment that I can remember
Which was back then many months ago, I walked to transport area
Sat down and smoked, I noticed all of them, YES I mean all of the others crew
They were texting and or calling their bf
I did not have any single lonely feeling not until that moment
I was feeling.. all the loneliness and I thought I should have someone in my life too
After that I was granted a chance to be with someone
However, he was definitely not the right one and I was failed once again to be in love
It took me bout 2 months to let go and now that I am back to myself
But this so called myself is not the Crason used to be, time has mend me to someone else
I am now not afraid to be lonely
In fact, more flies seem to linger around me and I am so carried away by all the attention given
Honestly, I would rather be a lone ranger but not someone like this
Who has no faith in love, no faith in anyone
Ever known the meaning of living zombie without a soul?
I guess this is how I feel right now

I was having white wine in my hand just now
Dozed off half way, went to bed for 3 hours
Woke up, I have no single clue what to continue lol..
The emo feeling is gone haha! OMG.. what a freak!!
Anyway, what am I trying to tell is.. I have lost the only innocence that I had
For this past 2 years, I have done loads of damage to a lot of ppl
The only innocence that left inside of me, had gone with wind a long time ago
There are so many things I wish I have not done, they are just too evil
My apology to those victims.. I wish I didn't do anything like that
I am not sure whether I can still go back to the Crason used to be
But I will try.. Patching back the puzzle pieces by pieces..
And I hope.. I could find out what went wrong and caused me to be like this

Till then, we will talk again..
There is nothing wrong to be emo but you must know when to stop
And you must know what to do next
I am not young anymore, I think I know what to do
It's just a process of growing up, it can't be just me experiencing this kind of feeling
What about you there?
Do you feel the same like I do that you have gone too far away from your very own self?

I run and I fall
Cause injures to my knee but I am not afraid
The scratching wound will be healed and I can run again
I love and I am hurt
Devote the best of me, what comes back is a broken heart
And I am so afraid.. that I can't love again
How I wish I am still a kid..



  1. Change is constant. How we experience change, that's up to us. It can feel like death or a second chance at life if we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it. It can feel like pure adrenaline, like at any moment we can have another chance at at any moment, we can be born all over again.

    ~Grey's Anatomy~

  2. Crason, just be the one you wish to surely can do even much better than before.Don't live in the past but look forwards to your goals and dreams.You are good enough, make your direction clear and always be ready to challenge for every moment regardless in what kind situation.Wish you like an eagle fly ever higher than the sky until your dreams come true.When u feel tired remember to slow down to take a break....

  3. Hello dude =)! I am inspired by your articles since last week ! I dream to work in high class hotel and yet I have another dream now , which is to become a cabin crew! My brother tried for XXX and XXXXXX interviews for few times , he failed em' all and his hopes were all devastated . He always tell me that cabin crew is an awesome job though he failed it . Do you mind to be my friend , on internet ? I have questions to ask/请教 =) , hope you won't mind answering em' .Btw, My name is Ann . Currently 17 but soon will be 18.

  4. thanks all
    Roy: why don't you add me in FB? Crason Cee is the name. Tell me who you are and I shall give you tips to become a cabin crew :p